Thomas Markle to Meghan: Let Me See My Grandchildren Before I Die! Don’t Make Me Take You to Court!

Meghan Markle’s feud with the royal family might garner the most headlines.

But if the war between Meghan and the Windsors is a subtle, high-stakes drama worthy of Netflix’s The Crown, then the duchess’ never-ending beef with her own kin is a knock-down, drag-out fight that should be emceed by the late, great Jerry Springer.

Meghan’s wicked half-sister, Samantha, is usually the most outspoken member of the dastardly Markle gang, but this week, she’s decided to cede center stage to her father, Thomas.

You might remember Thomas from such hits as “Faking a Heart Attack to Get Out of Attending the Royal Wedding” or “Launching a YouTube Channel With Some Rando He Met Online For the Sole Purpose of Trashing His Daughter”!

Now, Thomas has launched a farewell world tour, and while the sad weirdos who have devoted their lives to hating Meghan are enjoying the greatest hits, they’re even more enamored with his new stuff!

In what he’s billed as his “final television interview” (ed. note: Thomas is hopelessly addicted to the spotlight, so it’s safe to say that this will not be his final interview), Tommy Marks appeared on Good Morning Britain today, where he blasted Meghan for keeping her children from him.

“In California I can actually sue to see them but I don’t want to do that. The other thing is I’ve done nothing wrong,” Thomas explained.

“There’s nothing that points to say I’m a bad guy,” he added, with a straight face.

“I’m a really loving father and she knows that, and there’s no excuse for treating me this way – no excuse to treat grandparents that way.”

From there, Thomas very nearly pulled a muscle while patting himself on the back for what an awesome father he was.

“Meghan lived with me from sixth grade to high school and I never saw anything like that,” Thomas said, referring to the way Meghan “behaves these days.”

“I never saw the kind of woman she turned into. I am shocked. She is not the person I knew as my daughter,” Thomas continued.

After thoroughly bashing Meghan on live television, Thomas went on to rather dubiously claim that he has nothing but love and respect for his daughter.

“I am always here for her, I still love her – I’ll love her forever. That will never change but I want her to reach out to me and let me see my grandkids and let me have a little peace,” he said.

“People go to prison for five years and they’re forgiven – I didn’t do anything. So forgive me I guess,” Thomas continued.

“I would always apologize for anything I’ve done wrong. I’m sorry if I have.”

(Thomas, of course, stopped just short of actually apologizing.)

Demonstrating the sort of logic and common sense that usually characterizes his arguments, Thomas promptly went from comparing himself to a prisoner to comparing himself to King Charles.

“King Charles has done nothing wrong too, and he is denied the kids as well as I am,” he told his interviewers.

It’s rare to see a persecution complex and a God complex so vividly displayed in a single interview.

Psych students should be thanking Thomas for this unexpected case study, and the rest of us might want to consider the possibility that he’s the second coming of big JC, and he’s come here to embarrass himself for our sins.

As for Meghan? Yeah, she should just go ahead and continue keeping her distance from this goon.